Monday, March 15, 2010

Strange Wilderness

When I was in eighth grade, my friend and I wrote a short story. It was a parody of Star Wars. There were characters like Princess Laid-a, Puke Skywalker, Chew-caca, etc. Oh, we were brilliant. So brilliant we handed it in for the teacher to enjoy. Needless to say, he didn't quite appreciate our artistic genius.
Strange Wilderness is a movie that was written by some other eighth graders. But instead of handing the paper into their teacher, they somehow sold it to a blind and deaf movie studio executive.

Click the link to read the full review of this disaster...

This movie is about a group of idiots who band together to capture Bigfoot... on film. The leader is an idiot who's father was a great nature show host. This idiot, though, knows nothing about animals, except that they eat each other and mate. His boss (who strangely resembles the guy in "I want someone to eat cheese with") tells him his stupid show is going to be canceled in one week unless they do something big. Like find Bigfoot. So the idiot gathers some more idiots, like the "cool, grungy" mac user from the Mac commercials, the fat kid from Super Bad, a couple other idiots, and a slutty skank. They head out into the wilderness to film the mysterious Sasquatch, and save their TV show.

The premise sounds ok. I'll give them that. Then they went and made the movie. That's where things started to fall apart.
Strange Wilderness was made for people who think Adam Sandler is too sophisticated. This could have been a funny movie if everyone wasn't just such a damn idiot. I've said it before, I can't stand it when movies rely on people being idiots in order to make the story work.
Case 1: When we meet our hero, he is a stoned out idiot sitting on the sofa talking to someone on the phone about how things used to be different. Flashback a year... uh, he's not stoned, but he's still an idiot.
Case 2: The mac guy is annoying.
Case 3: Apparently, the fat kid from Super Bad was only funny in Super Bad.
Case 4: Robert "T-1000" Patric went from cool bad-ass liquid robot to just sad. His friends should have taken him into the forest and shot him, rather than let him add this piece of crap to his thinning resume.
Case 5: Idiots doing "wacky" voice-overs to animal clips weren't even funny when Bob Saggat was doing them.
Case 6: Don't try to make a skank talk like she isn't a skank, because that only reinforces her skankiness.
Case 7: The mac guy is really annoying.

In the end, I want to know if anyone has ever seen this guy -
If you have, please tell him I want to go back to before this movie was made so I could quietly drown whoever thought it up.

FINAL SCORE - Shattered bits of beer bottles all over the floor

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